


The Journal: Collection of Billy's Writings

by paladin_cleric_mage



Series: My Heroes Had the Heart [2]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: M/M, Poetry, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-03-23 04:40:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 2,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13779912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paladin_cleric_mage/pseuds/paladin_cleric_mage
Summary: Beginning in February of 1985, Billy jots down poems, dreams, and little scenes.





	1. Early February

you are the best book ever written,  
the gospel.  
the truth.

your eyes are gold-infused,  
one look and the empire  
falls.

your body is a blessed landscape where  
only chosen men should walk.

your soul, an inscription  
to be read by fingertips and lips.

my lips worship you  
because you love me  
and  
because you devastate me.


	2. Early February

* * *

Last night you had another nightmare.  
You never tell me  
what they’re about,  
but when I touched your shoulder  
to make the whimpering  
stop,  
I knew the nightmare was about  
me

 


	3. Early February

 

_Why are you like this?_

I know he wonders,

even though he won't say it.

too pure, too polite,

this angel of mine. 

He won't leave me,

please,  _please_ don't leave me.

 

_You're mine._

And he is, but does he know?

Have I shown him he is a saint,

a soul that could never be replaced?

If I did, would he believe it?

How can he? when all I do is

ruin him


	4. Bad Night

There was one rule, one fucking rule 

With you I thought it could be different,

my rage is better off self-inflicted.


	5. Bad Night

someday  
when you are with  
a lover who is  
not me,  
they will ask why  
there is caution tape  
around  
your  
heart


	6. Bad Night

The devil wears my skin.


	7. Bad Night

Is devotion an ocean we are drowning in?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please don't forget that I love you.


	8. Early February

I wonder if  
love is ever  
clean.


	9. Dreams

In the apartment we will own, can we have a cat?  
Can we have a fridge full of homemade food, will you teach me how to cook? Bake? We can learn together, frosting on our noses, record spinning in the living room.  
Will there be a view? If not, can we make our own? Buy artwork from local museums and hang it high on the walls?  
Can we go to the park? Feed the geese and ducks and imitate their silly sounds? Can I kiss you in public without any worry that someone will look at us the wrong way?  
Will you stay with me forever?  
Because I’ll love you til then, and longer still.


	10. Fears

When we met your shoulders were capped with firm muscle from playing sports for fun.  
You never cared about competition, and with me there never was one,  
because anything you tried me at, I won.

 

Now, when I run my fingertips across your bare skin,  
they bump over the wing-tip bone of your shoulder, the knife-blades on your back.  
You said you'd never leave me, you promised!

 

So why is it that every day  
a little more of you disappears?


	11. Things about you

Whiskey lip gloss  
Powdered sugar nose  
Sorrow-dipped smile  
Sex-sweat cologne


	12. Snow Day: Friday Night

_Baby,_

_How could words ever work out an image of what you mean to me? How could my actions ever drive it home to you that you are and always will be the only person in my life? All those others are actors, extras, they don't even belong on the set. Just you, and I, and the love we've made, intense enough to light a city._

_It's 1:36AM. You're asleep, soundly. Drank too much, left me here with the dim light and this pen that's running out of ink. We ate dinner with your parents and I was afraid for a second, I felt something lurking, like maybe I'll be asked to leave soon. I think you and I both know that would break me and, sure, I'm a skilled survivor-- but how much more hurt could I endure?_

_Without you I am nothing._

_Nothing._

_You make me._

_I exist for you, I become for you._

_And ~~I lied to you tonight.~~_

_I love you._

 

_I am the junkie, and you are the drug._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Corresponds to chapter 38.


	13. Feelings

Our love is an ocean,

and we are drowning.

 

I've been waiting to die my whole life.

What better way to die than next to you,

washed over with the wave that is your love?

 

It crashes into me, 

presses me into the earth until breath is just some

remembered thing, not a thing I need to survive.

Survival means nothing without you,

you can be the water that fills my lungs when it all pours down.

 

Come closer _,_ close enough to touch, to taste.

Hear my voice an echo of a whisper in your ear,

the reverberation of a scream underwater.

I am that scream, and you are the water I swallow, willingly.

I welcome you, I invite you,

even if it means I die.

 

I cannot be closer, and yet I am not close enough.

_Sink me._

 


	14. Bad Dreams

Sometimes I wonder if   
our nightmares  
are about the same thing.

What if she hadn't stopped me?


	15. Saturday

_ Princess, _

_ You're out shopping with your mother. New clothes, because she finally noticed. I think you noticed, too, and I hope you don’t blame me, even though I know your ruination is my making, and if you blamed me it would only make sense. ~~I would snap if you told me the devastation of your body is the result of my love, because I know it's true.~~  Believe me, please, when I say I'm trying to treat you the best I can-- the way you deserve to be treated. Like an angel, or a god. Something holy that can never be replaced. There is nothing comparable.  _

_ Such a strange sensation, to be at home without you. Worse than when we have classes across the building, because at least then I know I can run through the halls and call you to me if I need to. And believe me, I always want to. Home, though... Home is where we are together. Having the support of your parents is incredible, but it will never measure up to the support you give me. Baby boy, wherever you are right now, and if you ever sneak a look at this, please don't forget that I love you. _

_ A little while ago your dad had me in the office downstairs. He was teaching me about the family business. ~~Things he hasn’t shown you, because he doesn't think you can handle it.~~ He says it makes sense why my father is in the field he’s in, and why we moved here. "Must run in the genes." Too bad I don't want my father's genes. Don't want my mother's, either, but here I am. Alive, ~~only because of you.~~ _

_ It felt good to work along side him with a purpose. Maybe I need that kind of mentoring from a dad who actually gives a shit. When he finally released me from the task I got upset. Didn't show how bad I felt, of course, but it made me think... I need to be a part of something at all times. Being alone in my head just doesn't work. But you already know that.  _

_ I thought about working out, so I went for my weights and that beautiful reprieve: your mother's records. My own are mixed into the collection now, but hers are so much better, like when you're a kid sneaking sips of the adult's coffee. I flipped through until I found an old 45 I hadn't noticed before. Stopped me dead, to be honest. Hadn't heard it in years. Not since I was maybe ten, in my aunts' living room. This song wasn't one of Aunt Dawn's favorites. It was Aunt Beth's, my dad's sister. I danced with her to this song-- the one I'm listening to now. _

_ As a kid it sounded sweet, but right now it sounds sad. Could it be an omen? That feeling I had last night, like we're coming to the end of our time. My time. ~~Please don't leave me I would kill myself.~~ All I want is to sit here writing to this song until you come home and we can sneak upstairs under the guise of putting away your new clothes. We'll put them away, alright. _

_ Valentine's day is this week. Thursday. I know I haven't talked about it much. That's because there's a surprise. This weekend. Somewhere I've never been before, and only want to go with you. _

_ Just restarted the record again. I'll play it for you when you come home, and maybe we'll slow dance to it sometime soon. Wish we could show ~~our~~ your parents how much we love each other. Imagine if we could be public? Heaven on Earth. When I hold you all that fear goes away. The noise in my head subsides.  As much as I am responsible for your descent, you are responsible for my ascension. Can't you hear it? _

And now, the end is near

And so I face the final curtain 

My friend, I'll say it clear 

I'll state my case, of which I'm certain 

I've lived a life that's full 

I've traveled each and every highway 

But more, much more than this 

I did it my way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Corresponds to chapter 41.


	16. Fleeting Thoughts

burn me alive

make me cry

when you're around I cannot breathe

because I am the nightmare

and you are the dream


	17. On Pain

Pain is  
such a private thing  
and still I have managed  
to create yours   
by holding in  
mine


	18. The Dream

water falls in droves   
from the dark dark sky  
as wind sucks my shirt to my skin,   
plastered there by rain and sweat.

the earth, it spins beneath me  
I am reeling, heavy, fighting against the grit   
beneath my fingernails,  
the pressure on my chest,  
the fire raging inside me.

where are you to put it out?


	19. Heart

Don’t they say the heart is made for breaking?

Shouldn’t it be made to bear the weight of both the soft and hardest things?  Made to withstand weather and time, and by the very nature of enduring, be unable to shatter? 

If the heart can break, can it rebuild? And then, how many times be broken again? 

I imagine my heart, a tattered, bleeding thing. Imagine it ripped out and dropped on a steel table with a sickening noise. A slab of meat. 

And yours, a flickering, butterfly-wing muscle. Pumping life into everything it can reach, everything that needs. 

I need you. Am I taking too much from you to mend my own mangled heart? You told me I could break you, have I?

Yes.

Can I put you back together again?


	20. Elements

If wind had words to say

it would whisper your name

sweet, fresh, a cool presence.

Or maybe strong, powerful.

The force that gives me 

life.


	21. untitled

And if you ever want to leave, 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

don't.


	22. Falling

Can I get closer to you?

Can you be the knife inside my skin?

Slice me to the bone, so deep it won't even bleed.

Or maybe it does bleed, thick and heavy, 

my life poured out in one, two, three pulses.

 

Pound the life out of me,

I promise I won't mind.

Haven't I done as much to you?

And you've taken it, every inch of my 

incompetence, every aspect of this

absolute fantasy,

this delusion that we can make it.

 

We can't make it.

I know that, but I won't ever be able to accept it.

If you leave me, I leave Earth.

Abandon myself to the cosmos,

the starry night sky that's done nothing but torment me.

Why are the brightest things so far away?

You are the brightest thing in my life,

but I feel you getting far away.

 

If you're thinking of leaving me, please.

 

Don't.


	23. Sunday, February 17th, 1985. 4:24AM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written in the margins of "The Neverending Story" by Michael Ende
> 
> Corresponds to Chapter 47

_Baby,_

_When the weather changes_

_what is_ _the one thing that_

_stays true?_

_Some people say it’s_ _the changes,_

_the seasons themselves that are_

_constant._

_Some say it’s the holidays_

_housed within the seasons_

_that bring us closer and_ _r_ _emind us it’s_

_never the weather,_

_only the love we have_

_that counts._

_I say it’s the sun,_ _the scorching celestial_

_entity around which_

_everything_ _revolves._

_You are my sun._

 

_Center of each other's_

_universe. Right?_

_You are mine._

_I know I did a bad thing but please,_

_please baby don't leave me_

_I meant what I said,_

_if you leave me I'll_

 


	24. Sunday, late morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written in the margins of "The Neverending Story" by Michael Ende

_lost hours_

_lost sleep_

_lost feeling_

_like I am already gone_

_I called your house this morning._

_your parents said_

_you aren't there._

_where did you go last night?_

_I need you._

_don't you know I need you?_

 

_Is this what a spirit feel like_

_before it leaves the body and becomes a ghost?_

_what will you be like when you see that leaving me_

_kills me?_

_I wasn't lying. I_ _never_

_lied to you, A_ _ngel._

_you saved my life._

 

_never did I imagine that you would also_

_end it._

 


End file.
